Legend of the U.S.S. Titanic
by Jaime Brockett
"It was back around the turn of the centuries, back around nineteen hundred & thirteen there was a negro pugilist his name was Jack Johnson. Now old Jack Johnson he was the toughest man in the whole wide world he used walk around whoppin' people up side the head 'n makin' all sorts of money.
Like I say ol' Jack Johnson he was a pugilist, he was a pugilist by preference and by profession and one day ol' Jack came walkin' on down by the pierside. He's just walkin on down. His manager come walkin' on down by the pierside.
He says "uh, hi, Jack"
He says "hi manager"
He says "whatcha doin'?"
He says "I'm just walkin' on down by the pierside."
He says "what's up?"
He says "I gotta gig for ya"
He says "ya gotta gig for me?"
He says "that's right"
He says "where abouts?"
He says "over in England"
He says "hmm... what'm I gonna do over there?"
He says "well you goin' up n' whop this guy up side the head n' make all sorts of money."
Ol' Jack says "That's groovy baby. That's really groovy you give me a ticket on the next flight out"
He said "ticket on the next flight out?!? This is nineteen hundred n' thirteen. Why the Wright brothers haven't even started foolin' around with Kitty Hawk yet"
He said "uhh.. who's she?"
It was midnight on the sea, the band was playing "Nearer My God To Thee". Fare thee well Titanic, fare thee well.
Ol' Jack says "Well how'm I gonna get there baby?"
n'
He says "ohhh I'm gonna show ya" and he whips open a newspaper n' shows him a picture of the USS Titanic.
Folks, she's the world's biggest ship she's made outta good wood and good iron they said she'd never go down.
He says "you mean I'm goin' over on the boat"
n'
he says "that's right baby you're goin on the boat"
n'
he says "well, let's go get some tickets so they head on down to the ticket taker's place."
He walks on up to the ticket taker he walks on in n' he says "hey man I wanna buy me some tickets"
He said "gotta red ticket green ticket yellow ticket blue ticket what kinda ticket you want?"
He says "I wanna red one"
He gave him some loot n' he laid it on him.
So here's ol' Jack he's got his ticket now he takes everything he owns he wraps it on up in a diaper n' he hangs it on a stick over his back n' goes headin' on down by the pierside.
He gettin' on down by the pierside his manager's down there by the pierside n' here she is folks - the USS Titanic! She's lined up beside two hundred n' fifty parkin' meters n' the Captain's gettin' done ready to split 'cause he run outta dimes.
Now around this time there was an Italian senator n' the state house n' all Italian senators done got brothers own construction companies n' this one had a brother he owned a construction company n' the Titanic she was made outta good Italian wood, good Italian iron they said she'd never go down.
So there's ol' Jack standin' on the bottom got everything he owns wrapped on up in that diaper hangin' on a stick over his back. He shakes hands with his manager goes walkin' on up the gangplank. The Captain standin' on the top. He get up onto the top n' the Captain he look at the ticket…
he look at the ticket
he look at Jack,
he look at the ticket
he look at Jack,
he look at the ticket
he look at Jack,
he look at the ticket
he look at Jack,
lookita
He says "sorry baby wrong color."
He says "me or the ticket?"
n' he says "you."
Now he wouldn't let Jack Johnson on board
they said this ship don't haul no coal
Fare thee well Titanic,
fare thee well.
It was midnight on the sea,
the band was playin' "Nearer My God To Thee"
Fare thee well Titanic,
fare thee well.
So Jack say's "It's all right baby it's all right I'm gonna sit right here on the pier and watch you go right on down."
So the Titanic she sails on out into the North sea she's out there floatin' around in and out between the icebergs n' ol' Jack's standin' on the pier. I'm gonna tell ya 'bout the people on the Titanic now.
First of all there's a whole bunch of Jewish people from Miami.
They're jumpin' up n' down
They're laughin'.
They're drinkin' booze.
They're tradin' wives
n' Cadillacs
n' diamonds
n' havin' all sorts of good clean party fun.
Then there was the people that run the boat. Now the people that run the boat they know all about runnin' boats.
They know all about hoistin' up land lubbers
n' battenin' down hatches
n' doin' all sorts of other good things
like... all good sailors do in the far away sea.
Then there was the Captain.
Now the Captain he knows how to walk like a captain,
write like a captain,
walk like a captain,
talk like a captain,
smell like a captain,
eat like a captain,
do all sorts of captain things.
Then there was the first mate. Now I gotta tell ya bout the first mate. Now the first mate,
he don't know nothin' about Jewish parties.
He don't know nothing about hoistin' up land lubbers.
He don't know nothin' about captains.
He uh he wants to go on over to England he wants to play his guitar.
He wanna run around n' chase women n' have all sorts of good... times.
Anyways this fella', his sideburns they're just a little too long. He giving way, see. He… he been down in Mexico he been down in Mexico. He been workin' in this rope factory down in Mexico now. Down in Mexico they make rope outta this funny little hemp plant that grows wild in the ground. Some of you people... grow it in flower pots under your bed… ehh Anyways, he's down there and he's… he's makin' rope outta this funny marijuana plant... One day the rope factory she catch fire n' he runs back on in to save his lunch - he's got two sardine sandwiches - runnin' back on in to save his lunch he gets inside n' there's all this funny smoke floatin' around up inside n'.. he gets some of this funny smoke up inside his head n'.. he sit down in the middle o' de' fire n' he say, "shhhhhhhhhhhit baby, I ain't gonna make rope no more!"
So he takes everything he owns he wraps it up on into a diaper and a knapsack too n' he… he headin' on to the Titanic he gets to the Titanic he standin' on the bottom walkin' on up the gang plank n' the Captain's standin' on the top n' the Captain says "What you got boy?"
He says "I'm comin' on"
He says "WHAT YOU GOT!"
He says "well I got me two changes of BVD's. I got me my guitar. I got me my address book, a... pair of socks, 4 masked marvel comic books, a tennis racquet and four hundred n' ninety-seven n' a half feet o' rope."
He says "four hundred n' ninety seven n' a half feet o' rope! whadaya got that for?"
He says.. "I just carry it."
So he says "it's all right. Go on board, go on board" and he did.
It was midnight on the sea,
the band was playin' "Nearer My God To Thee"
Fare thee well Titanic,
fare thee well.
Now he wouldn't let Jack Johnson on board
they said this ship don't haul no coal
Fare thee well Titanic,
fare thee well.
That brings us up to what's happenin' now - the Titanic she's floatin' around in and out between the icebergs, the Jewish people they partyin' they tradin' wives n' Cadillacs n' diamonds they drinkin' booze n' havin' all sorts of party fun, everybody else is hoistin' up land lubbers n' battenin' down hatches, the First Mate he's hangin' over the rail, he's havin' himself a little smoke... he's diggin' the icebergs. havin' himself a little smoke n' it's the Captain's time to do his thing. The Captain comes on out (remember I told you about the captain - he knows how to walk like captain write like captain talk like... all sorts of captain things). He comes on out n' he's standin' now. His thing right now is that he's gotta go out n' test the wind. So he casts his nose up into the north wind n' he goes...... ......
He walks on over to the First Mate.
He says "hey first mate what's that you smokin'?"
He says.. "that ain't nothin' but a little ol' cigarette captain"
n' he says "I don't believe it. Gimme a puff"
n' he says "alright."
So the captain takes himself a little puff. Nothin' happened right away.
He says "it's alright, it's alright. It's just a cigarette. I'm goin' for a walk" And that's what he did, folks. He went for a walk. He went.. he went out walkin' around the boat he went walkin' toward the wheelhouse he.. he walked around.
He walked around the wheelhouse once....... He walked around the wheelhouse twice....... On the third time around the wheelhouse....... The First Mate he looked on over at the Captain n'....... N' he say....... You wanna 'nother toke, Captain?...... And the Captain, he say....... RIGHT!!!!!!!!
So this time he's gonna tell the captain a little bit about this smoke that he's smokin'. He says "now the idea, Captain, the idea is to get this smoke way down deep inside your tummy n' hold it there just as long as you can it'll make you head feel good all inside. So the Captain says alright he takes himself three big tokes off that funny little brown weed n'
He says "I am commencing to hold it in!"
He walked around the wheelhouse.
He went downstairs
He laid down.
He get up he ran in the other room.
He sent a radiogram.
He came on back in.
He took a shower.
He come out.
He shaved.
He laid down.
He got up again.
He turned on the television.
He turned off the radio.
He played a game of cribbage.
He read his masked marvel comic book.
He walked thru the kitchen,
made a cup of tea,
made a cup of coffee,
sat down,
ate a piece of pie,
went upstairs,
played another game of cribbage,
went back in,
finished his other masked marvel comic book,
laid down,
he had the television, the radio, the egg beater, the air conditioner n'everything's all goin' at once. He walks up on deck and this is fifty two minutes later n' this cat ain't breathed yet!
So the First Mate see him standin' up there on the rail he's all puffed up like a balloon!
He says "ya gotta let it out, Captain!
So the Captain he let it all out at once.
Fallin' right down on the wheelhouse floor. He's out cold.
O-h-h-h, this just brings us up to what's happenin' again folks. The Titanic she's sailin' around in between the icebergs. Every body else is havin parties. The Jewish people they jumpin' up n' down they tradin' wives n' Cadillacs n' diamonds n' drinkin' booze. Everybody else is hoistin' up land lubbers, battenin' down hatches n' doin' sail things. The First Mate's hangin' over there on the rail havin' himself a little smoke n' diggin' icebergs. And the Captain's out cold on the wheelhouse floor.
It was midnight on the sea,
the band was playin' "Nearer My God To Thee"
Fare thee well Titanic,
fare thee well.
Now he wouldn't let Jack Johnson on board
they said this ship don't haul no coal
Fare thee well Titanic,
fare thee well.
All of a sudden.... the Captain's eyes popped wide open. He stood right up straight..... Grabs a hold o' de wheel.... Looks on out at the bow o' dat boat n' he say "I'M GONNA MOVE YOU BABY!"
And he did right on into an iceberg n' she went right on down.
It was midnight on the sea,
the band was playin' "Nearer My God To Thee"
Fare thee well Titanic,
fare thee well.
Now he wouldn't let Jack Johnson on board
they said this ship don't haul no coal
Fare thee well Titanic,
fare thee well.
That's the true story of the Titanic, folks. She went right to the bottom. She took with her all the Jewish people, all the first mates. She took with him the Captain. She took with him the land lubbers. She took with him the masked marvel comic books, the tennis racquet and four hundred n' ninety-seven n' a half feet o' rope.
Meanwhile back on the stateside, ol' Jack Johnson… why he's standin' up on the pier he's fishin' away he's got himself a little stick n' a line n' he gets a tug he pulls it on up n' it's a big wet blue soggy mess n' on the inside on the lining written in big gold letters it says "USS Titanic" and stuck right above it was a wet roach.
That boy was so happy he started doin' the eagle rock up n' down that pier like it's goin' outta style he go... He gonna do the eagle rock now everybody in for the eagle rock. Oh rock!
It was midnight on the sea,
the band was playin' "Nearer My God To Thee"
Fare thee well Titanic,
fare thee well.
Now he wouldn't let Jack Johnson on board
they said this ship don't haul no coal
Fare thee well Titanic,
fare thee well.
Fare thee well Titanic goin down!"